People often ask me how I have achieved such magnificent heights in the world of fencing, how I managed to win gold at the Olympics at the tender age of eighteen and how I can combine such strength and athleticism with effortless grace. Often the women accompany these questions with admiring glances at my magnificent physique, and reach out with trembling hands to touch my sculptured muscles. This, of course, is usually the point where I wake up and realize I have dribbled saliva all over my pillow case, and that I have developed a strain in my biceps from sleep-flexing.

I am, like most of the fencing community in Scotland, not a top-class athlete. I am just another workaday fencer, working off my aggression on the Piste after a hard day trying not to strangle my co-workers for being buffoons (that is MY job, and no one will take it away from me).

However, this doesn’t mean that I am content with my fencing lot. Like everyone else out there, I want maximum benefit with minimum effort. With this in mind, I have decided to enlighten one and all with the correct way to improve your performance in competitions.

Contrary to popular belief, the purpose of a club night is not to improve your fencing. The way I see it, actual fencing training is a waste of time; after all, no matter how hard you work, there is always likely to be someone better than you. This is where most fencers fall down. They believe that fencing is an individual sport, and that success on the piste depends upon one’s own skill and determination. Not so.

Success in fencing depends largely on how much leverage you have with the president. Therefore, the most important rule of fencing is: SUKE UP TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

You may well think that so-and-so has terrible BO and a personality that makes Charles Manson seem like a reasonable, well-adjusted kind of guy. This is irrelevant. You have to convince this guy that he is the most charming, handsome, intelligent and sweet-smelling man in the world. When the chips are down, and it’s 14–14 in the final, if your man is presiding, the chances are you’ll get the hit; even if it’s so obviously biased in your favour that Blind Man Pugh could tell he was wrong.

First you have to learn the skills to make friends. Laugh at everyone’s jokes, no matter how unfunny. Learn every fencer’s conceits and lay on the kind of flattery that would make Narcissus blush. Hug everyone, even if they have a boil the size of an Easter egg on their face. If dealing with a member of the opposite sex, don’t be afraid to use your charms. This obviously works better for women, as men are more susceptible to this kind of thing. Don’t be afraid to wear low cut tops, and constantly drop things in front of other fencers, allowing you to bend over and expose your cleavage with a coy flutter of the lashes. ‘Accidentally’ run into your fellow fencers while fighting and rub your groin on his leg (as long as you don’t leave any stains, this will work quite well). And of course, for men and women, don’t be afraid to sleep with everyone and anyone available. If you have given your President the most memorable orgasm of his/ her life, the fight’s in the bag.

In short, sleaze, suke, sidle and slip your way into the good books of everyone you can.

Of course, it isn’t possible to make friends with everyone; some people are just weird enough to not be susceptible to the tricks we have mentioned above. A common mistake beginners make in this case is to try and be genuine. NEVER DO THIS! If you are attracted to fencing, there is every chance that you are suffering from a severe personality disorder, and ‘being yourself’ will simply send the person you are trying to befriend running for his or her shotgun.

Fortunately, there are ways around these people. The first is simple: bribery. The wonderful thing about Presidents is that they are human, and like all humans they are susceptible to the lure of Mammon. In the first instance, try money. If this doesn’t work remember that fencers are, on the whole, deviants. Most will be susceptible to vouchers for the local S&M emporium, or the promise of a rarely seen Czech porno involving two lesbians, a double dildo and a randy baboon. For those who have no sex drive, shiny things will often do the trick, although do ensure that any stolen jewellery given out in bribes cannot be traced back to the scene of the crime.

By this point, you should have 99% of the fencing community in your back pocket. Unfortunately, this is not enough. The remaining 1% that you could not corrupt could well be the thorn that pricks your ever rising helium balloon of fencing success. So, how do you deal with these paragons of virtue that you couldn’t flatter, shag or bribe? It’s simple.

Remember that by this point you have befriended/ bribed/ slept with almost everyone who has ever picked up a sword. Use this to your advantage. At competitions, if you find one of Mother Theresa’s little incorruptibles is in charge of your fight, round up all of your friends and set them to work. Have them surround the uncooperative swine in a tight circle. Any time he/ she gives a decision against you, get your friends to jostle, heckle and abuse the President. This intimidation factor is usually enough to seal the fight.

Some of these people will have watched too many Arnie movies, and think they can stand up to the abuse in the name of integrity and honesty. Don’t worry about this either. Use your vast network of friends to find out about their family. Don’t be afraid to kidnap one of their children. For every point the president awards against you, send him/her a finger. You’ll be amazed how many fights you win 15-0.

So, that’s it. You now have all of the skills and knowledge to smarm yourself to the top in fencing If you are dedicated enough to follow all of this advice, you should achieve the status of World Champion within around ten years of starting fencing. Good luck, and remember, my preferred form of bribe is cash.

Disclaimer: Please note that any physical violence, sexual diseases or jail sentences incurred in the course of following this path are the sole responsibility of the fencer taking said actions. The author will deny all knowledge of this article when called to court as a witness and, furthermore, will pay one his many contacts to pop a cap in the ass of anyone who grassed him up; so just watch it, right!